Stop Complaining: Here's a Boatload of Good Reasons to Love the New Facebook

 
Because it has 750 million users worldwide, any time Facebook makes a change, you can be sure that some small and annoyingly loud band of yahoos will complain about that change as if it’s the end of the world. (Am I allowed to call them yahoos if they use Facebook?)
The latest change is one that turns Facebook into kind of a combination of Facebook and Twitter, allowing you to subscribe to the daily rantings of people who are not (and never were) your friend, and to stop the relentless feed of updates from actual friends whose lives are, in reality, far more mundane than you ever knew (indicating that you probably never knew them all that well in the first place…or that you should really re-evaluate your newly-devalued definition of the word “friend”).
During the first couple of days of the new layout and functionality of Facebook, I posted the following status update: “Spending my afternoon unsubscribing to all of the people I don't actually know.”
The result of that was a conversation, mostly coming from me, that helped me to crystalize the reasons why I love the new features of Facebook:

  • ·        Now, I can cut out anyone whose best material includes what medical problems they have or what they’re doing for the Columbus Day weekend. I will no longer have to hear the mundane details of where you’re going, unless you're writing about trips  to countries I’ve been to or might want to visit.
  • ·        Anyone who writes about how bored they are? Out.
  • ·        People I don't know saying “Happy Birthday” to other people I don't know? Done.
  • ·        People who want me to know the titles and artists of every single track they've listened to on Spotify today in 283 separate status updates? See ya later.
  • ·        People who I don't know announcing they are now friends with even more people who I never met? Buh-bye.
  • ·        People I've never seen adding still more photos (or worse yet, albums) of people/pets/babies I don't know and will never know? It's been a blast.
  • ·        Anyone who plays Farmville, Mafia Wars, Angry Birds, or who wants to tell me for the 3,000,000th time about some particular feature in Google that I already know about? You're out.
  • ·        It says here in my news feed that one particular friend “likes her own status.” No shit.
  • ·        If my penis was ever inside you and now you want me to see your baby or honeymoon photos…what the fuck were you thinking?
  • ·        “Monica Collins likes Emily Castro's status." WHO is Monica Collins? And who is Emily Castro?
  • ·        ‎"June Jordan and Halina Orzechowski are now friends." I don't know either one of them. And now, I can assure you, I never will. Thanks, Mark Zuckerberg.
  • ·        If I can’t read it, why am I receiving this? "не совсем в тему... но смешно..."Муж звонит жене: - Ты где? - В норе... - Где??? - Ну в норе, которую ты мне купил!!! - Дура, не в норе, а в рено... хорошо, что я тебе пежо не купил..."
  • ·        "Vegan pizza is my weakness." Really? And what am I supposed to do with this information? Tell someone who cares (such as that local hippie pizzeria that wants your $21). As far as what you're eating is concerned: if I’m not invited and you don't, at least, have a beautiful photo of something delicious, why do I need to know about it? ‎As I write this, one good friend is checking in from BJ’s restaurant, and a map to the place appears as my cursor passes over her update. Do we really need to know that? What in the world does that mean? That we’re supposed to head on over there? Are you bringing food? I’ll have a rack of baby backs, thank you. I’ll just wait right here for you to arrive.

Some of you will say that I’m a crank or a spoilsport spoiling all the wonderful fun on Facebook. But c’mon. Don’t you think that the term “TMI” had to have been INVENTED for Facebook? What the fuck makes you think that people want to know every mundane detail of your life? Want to know how mundane most of these lives are? Watch that new timeline that appears on the right side of the screen and tell me that all of that stuff rolling by is really, truly interesting. Then, be ruthless and start unsubscribing to all the people who share just a little too much.
And perhaps, it’s time to take a serious look at what you are putting out as well.

Leykettes (sp?)

Hey Tom, why don't you post a section on your website with some photos of the hot girls in the Leykettes? I'm surprised I can't find ANY pictures of nearly naked women on your site...

Steve